“Help–Our Son is Gay”

Dear Sue,

I am a father with a heavy heart. . . .our son is living a homosexual lifestyle. He is nearly 40 years of age. We have known and lived with this for over 10 years. At first we were devastated. He was raised in a Christian home and he made a profession of faith while a teenager, but after college he moved to ________ to work.

He did seek some counseling at first, but for whatever reason he did not find the quality of help that he was seeking, and so began a drift away from church and the Lord. For several years following, we as parents tried to make suggestions and made comments to encourage him to seek professional help and trust the Lord again. He was very resentful of any comments concerning anything religious or concerning his lifestyle. So not to drive him away from us, we have just resorted to prayer that the Holy Spirit will bring about a renewing and transformation and that the scales that Satan has put over his eyes would be removed.

And of course we have made extra efforts to let him know that we love him very much. His plans are now to move across the country, and I know that being that far away will make communication even more difficult. Now to my question. . . How do I approach him again after all these years that will not cause the wall of resentment to be built again? How and what do you recommend that would be a positive approach since he is a grown man and does not appear to want to change or seek the Lord in making a transition?

Sue, I have faith and have been faithful in my prayer life for him and I know that since he give his life to the Lord and was saved, the Lord holds on to him even though he is not holding on the the Lord now. Looking forward to your response.

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are experiencing over your son. I’m sure you realize it is even magnified in the Father’s heartache over him.

I do have several suggestions. First, get a copy of the excellent books Someone I Love is Gay by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies and When Homosexuality Hits Home: What to Do When a Loved One Says They’re Gay by Joe Dallas. That’s for you.

Secondly, keep praying. That is the most effective thing you can do, and the Lord honors it. I have heard, personally, several testimonies of those who have left the lifestyle who say that their parents loved them and wouldn’t stop praying, and that’s why they left “the life.”

Third, I suggest you say something to him, very simply, without emotion, and you only need to say it once: “Son, I just want you to know that if you get to the point where your life isn’t working for you, I do know where to find resources to help, and I’ll be here to walk through it with you.” Then you leave the ball in his court. I promise he won’t ever forget it, but it takes awhile to move past the denial and spiritual deception that is part of the “gay is OK” mindset. In the meantime, go to the Living Hope Ministries website (www.livehope.org) and sign up for their newsletter, which will be an encouragement to you and educational too. When and if your son gets to the point of saying, “OK, Dad, what about the way out?” then give him Joe Dallas’s book Desires in Conflict: Hope for Men Who Struggle with Sexual Identity. (After that book, I would recommend Coming Out of Homosexuality by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel.)

I hope this helps.

Sue