“Is It a Good Idea to Marry Someone I’m Not Attracted To?”

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I’ve been dating a long time friend of mine for three years, and the subject of marriage came up. She is my best friend and we are both saved. Both of us have never married and are 45 years old. We enjoy each other’s company, and go to church together. But sometimes I don’t think she is pretty. I find myself looking at other girls at times. Would this be hindrance to marriage? I realize that beauty and brawn change over time. But I can’t date her forever and don’t want to lose her friendship. Do you have any advice?

It sure sounds like the Lord has blessed you with a wonderful friend. It’s quite possible you would be better off friends than spouses. If you don’t think she’s pretty, does that mean you’re not really attracted to her? If you’re not attracted to her after three years of dating, it’s probably not going to happen. And marriage to someone who only makes a good friend can range from empty and colorless to downright miserable when your heart longs for passion.

The fact that you find yourself looking at other girls is not a problem. It would be a problem if you LUST after other girls. And it would be a problem if your girlfriend catches you looking at other girls in her presence because I assure you, women’s egos are really just as fragile as men’s.

Read the Song of Solomon. Do you experience that kind of intense love and longing for your girlfriend? That’s God’s intention for marriage. If what you have is nothing more than a comfortable friendship that has been a convenient base for dating, and if it hasn’t developed into real romance after three years, then do yourself and your girlfriend a favor and find someone that you CAN feel that kind of passion for. I’ll tell you a secret about women: we long to be wanted. We long to be thought of as beautiful. We long to be lusted after with a holy lust. If you can’t give that to your girlfriend, you are cheating both yourself and her. And that’s no way to treat a friend.

Hope this helps.

Sue Bohlin
Probe Ministries

Sue Bohlin

Sue Bohlin is an associate speaker/writer and webmistress for Probe Ministries. She attended the University of Illinois, and has been a Bible teacher and conference speaker for over 40 years. She is a frequent speaker for MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) and Stonecroft Ministries (Christian Women's Connections), and serves on the board of Living Hope Ministries, a Christ-centered outreach to those dealing with unwanted homosexuality. Sue is on the Bible.org Women's Leadership Team and is a regular contributor to Bible.org's Engage Blog. In addition to being a professional calligrapher, she is the wife of Probe's Dr. Ray Bohlin and the mother of their two grown sons. Her personal website is suebohlin.com.

What is Probe?

Probe Ministries is a non-profit ministry whose mission is to assist the church in renewing the minds of believers with a Christian worldview and to equip the church to engage the world for Christ. Probe fulfills this mission through our Mind Games conferences for youth and adults, our 3-minute daily radio program, and our extensive Web site at www.probe.org.

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